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The Me that is writing to you right now is a very satisfied one indeed. She’s just been to the janitor’s booth and picked up a box from home (interesting system based on the principle of trust: the janitor picks the packages up from the postman and signs for them, then writes the name of the apartment on a whiteboard, then the tenants come over and get their stuff. Uh-uh. What if he had X-ray vision and saw what’s inside my precious package, hmm? What if – an unthinkable notion – he STOLE MY BOX OF GOODNESS?! How would I ever find out?).

The consequence of picking up The Box was 15 minutes of jumping, weehee-ing, clapping and doing the little joy-dance that you’ll have seen if you know me in person, all brought about by the unpacking of the Multiple Items Of Joy And Goodness.

What exactly were they?

To begin with (very girlishly): a number of objects of cosmetic use that don’t seem to be very popular in China and will (hopefully) prevent my skin from becoming all coarse and spotty as a result of dirty air and heat.

But that’s just an aside.

Here’s the real treasure list. And I’m sorry, I know that I’m supposed to be all sarcastic and witty, but I just have to do some of this affected gushing… and I don’t actually know how to do it in English (small wonder. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen an English person gushing over food – Jamie and Nigella excepted. Those cold-blooded Brits and their phlegm… And yet my Slavic blood demands an appropriate display of emotions). So I’ll just give you the items and try to improvise a translation of the various endearments that were coming out of my mouth (and many are the ways to endear something in Polish), while hoping they won’t make me sound overly demented:

1) Chlebunio: breaaaaad bready teddy doodle-doo mwah mwah!

2) Chalweczka: halvaaaa weeeheehee deary deary sweety-pie!)

3) Powidelka sliwkowe: plum jam yummy yummy yum scooby doo!)

and last but not least:

4) Naleweczka wisniowa: Cherry liqueur sweeker tweaker oh yeah oh yeah weeeeheeeeheeee!)

Now do you get the extent of my delight?

Okay, enough writing. I’m going to narcotise myself with some bread and butter.

Kidding. Just did it while writing the above. And let me tell you, it’s a good thing my flatmates are not home yet, because the sounds I was making are not supposed to be heard in public.

And now let’s proceed to a teeny-weeny tumbler of the cherry liqueur – courtesy of the best of all Mums, the Mother of All Mothers. Don’t wait up!

The Box before the great unveiling. A bit roughed up in transit.

I didn't have time to arrange the items or take nice photos. The second these bubble wraps were out, knives and forks were in.

Notice: Actually I got the box quite a few weeks ago and most of its edible contents has been consumed. But the above was written directly after the fact, so treat it like a life-performance, please.